The Night You Left
You’re the first dream every night
Your face disassembled
Your face disassembled
Swirled around like one of Picasso’s masterpieces
A nose, eyes, ears, a smile
Disconnected and obscure
Your giving hands reach out delicately
With a soft caring touch, like one used to hold a newborn baby
Screeching tires and sirens blare in the distant
Thoughts completely submerged by tears and blood
A motherly shriek echoes, sending birds high into the sky and worms back into their holes
A father too stunned to speak; yet his silent wail nearly breaks the eardrum
A sob as loud as a tree falling in a forest with no one around
A powerful sound draining one’s soul that has the potential to reenergize a nation or destroy a world
It’s intensity which gives the heart no choice but to stop all function
But it wasn’t until the day after the accident that the world came crashing down
Walking into the ominous and depressing classroom
Shivers run up and down the spine
Hearing nothing but whispers and your name
Everything goes in one ear and out the other
Due to the static TV screen that has taken over the mind
Thoughts speckled with crimson red and royal blue
Looking blankly and deeply into others eyes, recalling a vast green forest
Shock paralyzes and deafens the body
Electrifying every inch
Smells of burning flesh and hair
Sometimes I wonder why it was you, and sometimes I wish it could have been me.
A nose, eyes, ears, a smile
Disconnected and obscure
Your giving hands reach out delicately
With a soft caring touch, like one used to hold a newborn baby
Screeching tires and sirens blare in the distant
Thoughts completely submerged by tears and blood
A motherly shriek echoes, sending birds high into the sky and worms back into their holes
A father too stunned to speak; yet his silent wail nearly breaks the eardrum
A sob as loud as a tree falling in a forest with no one around
A powerful sound draining one’s soul that has the potential to reenergize a nation or destroy a world
It’s intensity which gives the heart no choice but to stop all function
But it wasn’t until the day after the accident that the world came crashing down
Walking into the ominous and depressing classroom
Shivers run up and down the spine
Hearing nothing but whispers and your name
Everything goes in one ear and out the other
Due to the static TV screen that has taken over the mind
Thoughts speckled with crimson red and royal blue
Looking blankly and deeply into others eyes, recalling a vast green forest
Shock paralyzes and deafens the body
Electrifying every inch
Smells of burning flesh and hair
Sometimes I wonder why it was you, and sometimes I wish it could have been me.
i like the imagery a lot, especially the way you flow into "crimson red and royal blue"-- the words sound so good together. I love the imagery of chaos you employ. I wonder, though, if you can shorten some of the lines and get rid of unnecessary language to underscore your main point. the best thing about this poem is its rawness, i think it's better to not embellish everything with extra words.
ReplyDeleteAgreed about cutting the clutter words. Since poems tend to be so short, they need to do more with the language they use, and wordiness tends to be more of an issue in poetry. I would start by eliminating at least half of the abstractions, adjectives, and adverbs. Maybe some could get put back in later, but an initial round of aggressive cuts can reveal a leaner, more effective poem at lot of the time. This is true in general!
DeleteThe hook of this poem is amazing; the somber emotion of awareness in absence. I just love it. In addition, the line, "Sometimes I wonder why it was you, and sometimes I wish it could have been me." creates a sense of relatability for anyone who has gone through grief and a bridge for the reader and the author.
ReplyDeleteThis poem really takes off in the middle, beginning with this line:
ReplyDeleteA motherly shriek echos, sending birds high into the sky and worms back into their holes
Fix that typo please ("echoes" not "echos"), but otherwise that is a powerful line. Some of the others in that sequence are also quite effective. I found the part above this section--the opening part--to be confusing. The move from the surreal, discombobulated Picasso-face to the "giving hands" really confused me, as there is no transition. What is going on there? What thing would have a face like a Picasso cubist painting but hands like a mother? I am not sure.
Something bad seems to have happened to the father in the poem, but the poet is not telling what. Why not? We wonder what it is. Later it is revealed as some kind of accident, but again, little is told. Why not?
I think ending on an image of crying is really hard to pull off. Using tears to portray sorrow has been done so many times that it is hard to avoid it seeming overdone. I recommend omitting all tears from poems for a while and trying other ways of portraying sadness and heartache. I recommend this to everyone in the class. Can we convey the sorry and the pain without always showing tears? We can, and when we do, powerful things happen. Kowit describes the trouble with tears in poems in In the Palm of Your Hand.
My favorite line in the poem was "A sob as loud as a tree falling in a forest with no one around." I think it illustrates the loneliness of grief in a very profound way. I also really loved the raw emotion in the whole poem, but I found it a bit hard to follow - meaning I understood that something tragic happened, but to who and how and why and when was unclear. It made it hard for me to fully experience the poem and the emotions the speaker is giving over.
ReplyDeleteYael I love this so much your deep realizations and insights in this poem are so moving and honest. I love how you compare things going in one ear and out the other to the static of TV that has taken over. Although the entire poem moved me, when I got to that line I was simply shook. The way you place reality of life into your story here is so cool. I also love the way you describe the parts of the face, body, and scenery throughout. In general your imagery is really skilled and it puts me into your poem in a way I can’t describe with words. I would suggest making the second stanza into two
ReplyDelete“Your face disassembled”
“Swirled around like one one of Picasso’s masterpieces”
By removing the and here and making it two lines both your poetic lines hold there worthy emphasis. This poem was so enjoyable to read and really is so moving.
I actually really liked the whole Picasso imagery describing how one appears in a dream, because we do not always have a clear image of what the person looks like and I related to that, because I have also had dreams like that. I also see what Professor Miller is saying of how the poem really takes off in the middle! That is when a more descriptive imagery comes in and I can see it full screen. The line that starts with "A motherly shriek" was actually my favorite line when I read it the first time. I also liked the overall use of figurative devices, but I was waiting for something to be revealed the whole time and it was not clear what it was. You have my attention so if you can show a little more of what really happened that would be exciting!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really beautiful poem! the imagery makes me feel like i'm experiencing the event with the speaker and going through all of the emotions in order. I think the imagery made it really powerful because it allowed the reader to not get lost in any emotions that were too big. By forcing us to focus on all of those little things you made it feel like a lived experience which I really liked
ReplyDeleteYour imagery is really strong and you do an awesome job of "showing, not telling". I could feel myself being anxious as I read the entire poem. The only critique I have is grammar. You wrote "you're" instead of "your"- is that on purpose? Also maybe it could use more commas. I imagine the speaker to be thinking all of this in a run-on sentence- freaking out at the recollection of the accident and the aftermath of it. But even when someone is uncontrollably babbling, they're still taking breaths; the commas act as those deep breaths. I think it'd make it seem more realistic.
ReplyDelete