The Want.
Comfortability amidst chaos, there’s nothing sweeter
Walking through fire but not feeling the burn
I should take my meds; the world's looking bleaker
Mom wishes I was neater
She thinks I’m just being stubborn
Comfortability amidst chaos, there’s nothing sweeter
That innocent, deprived girl, how do I treat her
It would be nice to run with no return
I should take my meds; the world's looking bleaker
I haven’t showered in days, my hair's getting crustier
Every question surrounding me is laced with concern
Comfortability amidst chaos, there’s nothing sweeter
Everyones thought is "I don't need her"
Not to be her is all I've yearned
I should take my meds; the world's looking bleaker
What is left to love? I can’t seem to remember
Can I re-wire my brain to make the world less stern?
Comfortability amidst chaos, there’s nothing sweeter
I should take my meds; the world's looking bleaker
What is left to love? I can’t seem to remember
Can I re-wire my brain to make the world less stern?
Comfortability amidst chaos, there’s nothing sweeter
I should take my meds; the world's looking bleaker
this poem is filled with flavorful imagery. first of all, i LOVE how you contrasted fire to a bleak world in the first stanza. you are still in touch with so many sensations, yet the imagery suggests that everything is decaying.
ReplyDelete"run with no return" has a very melodic rhythm. something about this language is frozen and freely moving at the same time.
also, the emphasis on the "crusty" hair is very powerful-- despite this colorless world, the poem is still full of texture that allows the reader to fully envision what you're painting.
Hi Yael,
ReplyDeleteHey this one is extremely close to being a villanelle. You almost have the form down just right, which is hard to do in a first draft the first time that you attempt one. Good job coming so close to formal perfection on your first draft.
There is only one rhyme that is blatantly off, which is the first line of your final stanza. That line is supposed to be one of the "A" rhymes in the ABA pattern. So it should rhyme with lines one and three in the previous tercets, rather than with line two.
Other than that, you have the right idea, formally. I do think some of your rhymes are too far off to really be rhymes (I'm looking at you, "crustier").
I like "laced with concern" a lot, and I like your second refrain about the world looking bleaker, but please fix the grammar in the possessive word that needs an apostrophe: worlds should be "world's." Since poetry is so short, it is even more important to get the little things right, unless you are breaking the rules for a real reason.
I admire the toughness of the poem and the willingness to be vulnerable about emotions that are hard to deal with.
Yael I loved this Villanelle a lot. Your repeating lines are powerful and touch on an idea that many feel related to. The rhyme scheme presented here helps me as I write my villanelle and this helps me shape a way to do so. Furthermore, the question you ask in the final stanza of "what is left to love?" was a powerful way to close out. I would suggest rewording the second to last stanza. Right now you have
ReplyDeleteTo me, everyones thought is "I don't need her" I think here you should remove the to me and just dive into everyones thought is...
Not to be her is all I've yearned This line would sound even better afterwords as here you reveal who the she is,
Thank you Yael for sharing this amazing poem, I loved it so much and its message is very powerful.
Yael, this is gorgeous. The lines you chose to create for repetition are beautiful and strong. I love how you paint the two sides of character's mental health - the sweetness it can bring in the rarest of times, and the numbness that comes with it too. This is seriously so beautiful, and relatable. What I would have liked to see is the continuation of the rhyme scheme in the last stanza.
ReplyDelete